Definitely Not Mom of the Year

Today is one of those days where I am just really struggling. I try to stay positive on social media because I feel like I don't want to over share or overwhelm anyone. But the problem with social media is that everyone is only posting their best days. They only show the happy pictures that show their cute, perfect kids 5 seconds before a major meltdown. I know because that is what I do.

And today I am just so frustrated with myself. Carter is having a hard day. He's had a lot of hard days lately. He's only 2.5, so I know it's hard on him when things change, and he's had a lot of changes in the last couple of weeks. The biggest one of all is that he started attending a new daycare closer to home so I could both drop him off and pick him up. While I think he loves the new "school", I do know he's having a hard time adjusting to the longer hours (and shorter naps). This means Mommy and Daddy are only getting time with Carter when he's tired.

I try to be patient and remind myself that Carter is only 2. He's struggling. His emotions are overwhelming and he doesn't know how to fully express them or handle them. But he woke up at 5:40 this morning and spent the next hour and a half fighting me as I tried to get him to go back to bed. I know what you are thinking. If he's awake, let him stay awake. Well, that's what we usually do, but then he's miserable by 9:00 am. I could tell he was tired and knew he'd be much happier if we could just get him to sleep a little longer. Finally, a little after 7:00, he fell back to sleep. He was wide awake and much more like his normal cheerful self at 9:00. We had plans to meet Grandma Stacy for lunch, and I hoped that since he got some extra sleep, he'd be awake and happy while we visited.

Unfortunately, he was pretty tired by the time we met for lunch. He behaved pretty well but couldn't sit still (Typical, even when he's not tired). We finally got him home and started getting ready for nap when he just lost his mind. He cried for an hour while I tried to get him to sleep. And when I say he cried, he was flipping between screaming, "Mommy by you!" and "Mommy go away!". When he says "Mommy by you", he means he wants me to lay in his bed by him. And as soon as I would lay down, he'd start screaming for me to leave. I finally hit my breaking point and lost my temper. I yelled. I had had enough. I stormed out of his room, hearing him sob his little heart out.

I took a breath and went back to his room. I talked to him for a few minutes. I keep trying to tell him that Mommy and Daddy love him and want to help him, but he has to tell us what he needs, otherwise we don't know what to do. I don't know how much he understands, but he usually says "Ok", before screaming again. He finally calmed down and fell asleep.

Carter typically needs a 3 hour nap. At his new daycare, he only gets 2 hours (hence all the struggles in the evening). I hoped he would sleep the full three hours, but he woke up 2 hours in, crying. He has been complaining about his ears lately. We took him to the doctor the other day, and he said Carter's ears were fine. He mentioned Carter had a cold but didn't really think there was a reason for his ears to hurt. Well, when he woke up today, he was crying about his ears. I tried to offer him grape juice (with Tylenol... the only way to get him to take medicine), but he wouldn't have it. He let me put an oil blend behind his ears (lavender, lemon, and peppermint), but he could not stop crying. He suddenly decided that I was the problem and started screaming for me to go away. I left, and then he was back to crying for me to come lay by him.

After about 10 minutes of him sobbing uncontrollably, Adam came in and took him out to walk around the house. Carter decided he wanted to go see his Grandpa, so off they went. Any time Carter saw me, he would shout "Mommy go away!"

And so here I sit, feeling a bit sorry for myself. And feeling defeated, like I'm the worst mom in the world. I hate losing my patience. I hate it when I yell at Carter. How is it that I know in my head that he is only 2 and not in control of his emotions, but I still lose control of mine? I know better. And I need to be a better example of patience and compassion. That kid is my whole world, my whole heart. How do I show him that if I give in to the frustration and yell?

The Ardis Family

I keep promising myself that I will start a new blog. As a matter of fact, I nearly did start one right after Carter was born. I began a blog post but never published it. I don't really remember why I never shared it, but I'm sure it had something to do with being a brand new sleep deprived mother. But anyway, here it is:

As I type this blog, I am listening to my son as he sleeps. He has a soft snore that sounds like a small puppy growl. Anyone who knows me would think I'd hate hearing the snoring. But with my little one, I adore it. Mostly because as long as I can hear him snoring, I know he's breathing.

It is so strange still to say that I have a son. He will be one month old this week. I wanted a child for so long. I really believed I would never have a child of my own. I believed I would never be a mother because somehow, I wasn't good enough. Those I admitted my fears to assured me that I would be a mother someday, but I found it harder and harder to believe them. Last winter, I became overwhelmingly depressed. I knew I couldn't handle yet another negative pregnancy test, so I told myself I wouldn't take any more tests.

One night in early January, my mom and her husband took my husband and me out to dinner to celebrate my husband's birthday. We went to a restaurant I've always liked, but I struggled to finish my dinner. I just didn't feel quite right. My chiropractor brother-in-law was trying to help me with my fertility issues and had given me several supplements to take. I could not finish them that night as I got ready for bed. The mere thought of swallowing pills was utterly nauseating. When I woke up the next morning, I knew I had to take a test.

I prepared myself for the inevitable negative test. I tried to tell myself it wouldn't matter when the test was negative. After all, I was testing a few days early. Why would this month be any different from any other month anyway? I had two kinds of tests. One with the pink lines, and one digital test. I took the pink line test first and saw a faint second pink line. My hands began to shake. I told myself the line was too faint to mean anything. It must be a mistake. I decided to take the second test just to be sure. This time, it read, Pregnant.

I was in shock. I knelt down on the floor and honestly didn't feel anything at all, until I suddenly burst into tears. I couldn't believe it. I was finally going to have a baby.

My whole pregnancy, I couldn't quite believe I was actually going to have a baby. I would tear up each time I saw a sonogram or hear his heart beat. I talked to him and sang to him when I was alone. I loved feeling him wiggle when he got big enough. Don't get me wrong, I was absolutely miserable for much of the pregnancy. But I loved it all the same.

When my little boy was finally born, I was absolutely overwhelmed. I was full of emotion as I heard him cry and felt the nurse place him on my chest. I was so sad to no longer have him with me. I wouldn't get to feel his wiggles anymore. I was so scared to suddenly be responsible for another human being. I was so excited to have this adorable baby in my life. And most of all, I was so absolutely positively in love with my sweet angel.